Typing in my underwear. By Mark Pitta

I feel like I'm in a Warren Zevon song...I'm sitting in the Hilo Hawaiian Hotel, listening to the air conditioner humm...


From the balcony of this hotel I can see the Golden Princess, the cruise ship I was on for five days. Five days of rain and clouds, and motion sickness. On Christmas there was a nasty storm that even the 20 year veteran cruise director said, "That was rough."

Imagine being in bed and you are lifted off the mattress from the violent rocking the ship is taking from the angry pacific ocean. The crash of the swells hitting the ship sounded like a cannon going off in a bowling ally. At one point I looked out the widow and thought, "It's time to face the enemy," and what I saw was so powerful that I felt small and helpless like a child lost at the mall. It was all I could do to get the deck five and buy some dramamine.

That lasted two days then it calmed down. I did four shows of 50 minutes each.

On the movie channel on board they played "The Woman." I had to take more Dramamine.

Today is a long travel day...I had to disembark at 10:00am and they said I could stay on the ship until I had to leave at 6:00pm but I got off and got this hotel room instead. Two flights today finally landing in San Francisco at 5:30am.

From our marathon show with Howie Nave who drove all the way from Tahoe to do 20 minutes. Why he's wearing Davy Jones's shirt from The Monkees I don't know.

After performing for one hour and 45 minutes at the 142 Throckmorton Theatre in Mill Valley, Robert Klein held court in the green room with me a few comics for an additional two hours! What an honor.

Pictured: Geoff Bolt, Bob Sarlatte, Dan St. Paul, Michael Meehan, Robert Klein, Mark Pitta.

My heartfelt thanks to all the comedians who performed FOR FREE to help raise money for Max Alexander and his new kidney.


Scott Kalechstein
Beth Schumann
Marga Gomez
Jerry Diner
Peter Barlett
Grant Lyon
Fred Wolf
Dana Carvey
Larry Bubbles Brown
Scott LaRose
Dave Burleigh
Geoff Bolt
Catlin Gill
Steve Kravitz
Steve Barkley
Conor Kallicut
Mike Meehan
Mo Mandel
Don Novello
Jeff Applebaum
Sam Arno
Carlos Alezrackie
Marc Hershon
Josuha Brody
Rodney Sharrif
John Elk
Scott LaRose
Jim Crenna
Joe Sharkey
Tony Sparks
Carrie Snow
Brian Malow
Mark Silverman
Doug Ferrari
David Kleinberg
Todd Glass
Daniel Keno
Nick Leonard
Christine Gelat
Candy Churilla
George Corrigan
Chris Karney
Andrew Norelli
Robin Cee
Kurt Weitzmann
Stephen B
Greg Otto
Kellen Erskin
Richard Stockton
Rick Pulido
Lizette Mizelle
Keven Avery
Mky Powell
Ngaio Bealum
Howie Nave
Harry Basil
Diane Amos
Jeff Burghart
Orny Adams



28 hours

It's 2:00am again and I'm still booking this comedy marathon. All I want is to raise money for fellow comedian Max Alexander and that's what I have to think about as the blank pages have to be filled. Many comics are volunteering their time and that's also what keeps me going. We're all brothers and sisters.

On the TV I have FINGERS with Harvey Keitel playing. Once in awhile I play with my dog then go back to booking the show. I put it on paper which means it's going to happen. Man, the audience who comes to this show is going to get their money's worth. Ten dollars is cheap. I hope they donate more.

Here's an article in the paper that came out Friday:

www.marinij.com/marinnews/ci_9990954?IADID=Search-www.marinij.com-www.marinij.com


Come to the show!!

Just got the word that our buddy LARRY "BUBBLES" BROWN did a great job on The Late Show With David Letterman tonight. His show won't air until Friday so spread the word.

The news from EDDIE BRILL, who is a fine comedian and books the comedy talent on the Letterman show, said he did "phenomenal" getting many applause breaks. He says you can hear Dave laughing out load and twice he was doubled over. This will no doubt boost Larry's confidence for several hours.

I feel especially proud because it was the Letterman audition I set up at the Throckmorton Theatre where Eddie saw "Bubbles." I could have easily booked Larry Brown the basketball coach.

I was at a funeral today for my Uncle Ed. It always happens...as the priest is speaking his sermon, and the family is coping with the loss; a baby's cry is heard and the mother hurriedly rushes the baby out of the church. Silly. It's just confirmation of the cycle of life. Have you ever been to a funeral where a baby didn't cry?
Of coarse, a cell phone also went off and that's just rude. If you keep your cell phone on at a funeral your ring tone better be that of a baby wailing.

I can't write about George just yet. Hurts too much. But here's my favorite bit:

(Ring Ring)

Dave?

Yeah, this is Dave, who's this?

This is Jane.

Jane? Jane who?

Jane!

Jane, Jane?

Jane! You met me at a party about six to eight weeks ago and you said I was a 'real good sport.'

Oh, Christ, yeah, Jane...how are you Jane?

Pregnant! And I'm going to jump out the window!

Say, you are a good sport, aren't you Jane...

Man, it's hard not to be depressed when there's news every other day that someone has died that you admired. First it was Dick Martin of Rowan and Martin's Laugh In. I was in an episode of 3rd Rock From The Sun where Dick did a cameo. Then Sidney Pollack who's films I love, the best one being 3 Days of the Condor. Today I learned that Harvey Korman passed and just ten minutes ago I found out that fellow comedian Mitch Mullany died at age 39 from diabetes. I was trying to watch a video of Mitch but it was too sad because he was so funny. Good-by and God Bless to ALL.




Dick Martin



Sidney Pollack



Harvey Korman



Mitch Mullaney

The group that just did a benefit for Max Alexander in South Lake Tahoe at Harrah's. The big room.
Scott Henry, myself, Howie Nave, Cat Simmons, James P. Connelly, Rocky LaPort.
We raised money because Max is on dialysis, needs a kidney transplant, and had to cancel all his gigs for the year

When
I
Walk
my
Dog
He
Stops
to
Smell
the
Roses
Then
He
Pees
on
Them

When you're sick you watch a lot of TV but it gave me and excuse to revisit the strange and wonderful world of Twin Peaks.

Jocelyn and I watched the Pilot and both seasons in about 2 and a half weeks, always at night, just before bed, which I don't recommend if you're prone to nightmares.

I remembered when it first aired...I lived in Los Angeles on North Alfred Street and my buddy, Kevin Pollak, would always forget to tape it and I'd have to drive over to his place off of Sunset the following day and drop it off. Only until after he saw that particular week's episode could we discuss it. We'd sit at Reds, or Who's On Third, or Hugos and talk endlessly about it. I still have the incoming message Kevin left on my answering machine (when they were recorded on cassette tape) the day after the episode where the "little man" spoke backwards and danced.

"Five words," Kevin's said, "What...the...fuck...was...that?"






I used to get a slice of cherry pie at Dupars (where David Lynch conceived the pilot) and sit at home with a cup of hot coffee and turn off the phones for the hour it was on. I don't think I've ever been into a television show as much since.

It was fun to see Jocelyn's reaction (she was 13 when it first aired...don't judge). She got the ending right away and wasn't so upset about it as I was back then. Hell, she only invested 2 and a half weeks in the series.

My all time favorite image was Dale Cooper's hair sticking straight up after after telling Sheriff Truman on the phone, "I know who killed Laura Palmer." There's a grin on his face and he starts to snap his fingers.





David Lynch, if you're reading this, please write a movie that brings back Special Agent Dale Cooper; or a TV show; or a comic book; or an online pay sight. I miss that character. Where is he now?



The first time we see Dale Cooper



The last time we see him

Sick in bed, sneezing, hacking, coughing, and complaining. I was told to "aggressively baby myself" so I am. Next to the bed are cough drops, Theraflu, aspirin, Delsym, gatorade, kleenex, Vicks VapoRub, and Gun Mao Ling (that's a Chinese Cold Remedy, not a person).

After watching THE SET UP then watching it again with commentary by Scrosese, I throw in a DVD of the old TV Show ROUTE 66 and looking at George Maharis I can't help but be reminded of something...he looks just like one of the Thunderbirds: Scott Tracy.


George Maharis



George Maharis with strings


I started to watch the pilot episode of THEN CAME BRONSON on YouTube but the small size on the computer finally got to my eyes and I had to stop after Martin Sheen jumped to his death under the Golden Gate Bridge and Michael Parks (Bronson) takes his bike to roam the ribbon of highway for a season on NBC.

Only one more day of this because I have a big show Saturday Night in Tracy for a fundraiser.

It's all a blur but here goes...when you do improv you are in the moment so when the moment is over and you're trying to remember what you said, the one liners flash into your brain randomly like memories from a blackout.

I had turned fifty the Sunday before...I can't believe I just wrote that...it's just a number...a large round number...but it gave me the excuse to have Robin Williams as my spiritual guru. From behind the curtain he was just a voice...

"You turned fifty, Mark?" he said.

"Yes."

"Knock, knock?"

"Who's there?"

"DEATH!"

I countered with, "Did you just call me Mark, or Mork?"

There was a long pause. Too long. I thought he had left. Then...

"Fuck you, Mark. I have an Oscar!"

He finally joined me on stage and I spotted a pregnant woman in the front row in her 10th month. Robin and I took our mikes and leaned into her stomach doing the first show her kid will ever hear.

"When you're old enough to see a show here, Mark Pitta will be seventy," Robin said to her belly.

I asked where she was having the baby and she said, "Marin General."

"Oh, no," I said. "In two months that's going to be a Whole Foods."

When we found out her last name was "Heinz," I came up with, "So, child birth is going to be you upside down with the doctors doing this..." Then I pretended to hit a Heinz Ketchup bottle from the bottom.

I'm sure Robin said some funny things too but this is all I can remember.

I've heard members of an audience say, "I didn't like that comedian. I thought he was rude." Or, "He was annoying. I hated him. He wasn't funny."

Does an audience ever think to themselves, "We sucked tonight. We didn't pay attention, and we were loud and interrupted the comedian with heckles. We had too much to drink and didn't respect the other people who were trying to enjoy the show."

I just wonder if audiences ever think that.

Just finished 3 nights in Las Vegas opening for Dana Carvey at The Orleans. Great room. Eight hundred seats and nice people.

Here's is what I heard a guy say on his cell phones at the elevators:

"...and Bill was completely tricked into spending five hundred dollars on a stripper!"

Only in Vegas.

It was the third time that both Dana Carvey and Robin Williams had performed at my show on Tuesday.
The Mark Pitta and Friends/Sketchfest audience erupted both times with applause reserved for only superstars. I wonder if I should even mention it. Robin has been showing up every week since Halloween except for the two week when he went to Iraq but we were closed those two weeks for the holidays. I'm not complaining, I'm grateful. As a host I try to think of creative ways to introduce him and then utilize his talents. Instead of the ordinary, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a very special guest in the wings..." I like to bring him out in character. Tonight one of the other acts left their guitar on stage so I asked for their roadie to come get it. Robin came bounding out and I interview the "roadie to the stars" for almost an hour which questions like, "What was it like working with Cher? How did Altamont go for you? Why won't Tom Jones speak to you? My favorite was when I relayed the story of drummer, Buddy Rich, all coked up to the tits on his tour bus and he fired everyone but you, why?"
"Because I had the coke!"

Last week I showed The Gold Rush with Charlie Chaplin and had Robin be Chaplin doing the commentary.

Dana uses the stage as a lab. He's working on an HBO special and needs to get some new bits out of his mouth. He only has until the end of March to be sharp. Last week, driving with him to the San Jose Improv, he complained about something, I think it was the GPS not working and he said that he refuses to be the grumpy old man who complains about technology. Then he precedes to complain but only about the technology that's 3 months behind. " I don't need to download music on my nano. My old I-Pod is fine and if I want to watch a movie I'll buy a DVD and put it in the DVD player, just because I don't want to download makes me a relic, so be it!"

I'm performing on The Enchantment right now...a cruise ship...yesterday I saw a person eating a slice of pizza with french fries on it.

The flight from SF to Minneapolis was a bear. Delays due to weather kept us in the air two hours longer and when he finally touched down at 7:00pm I figured I would miss my connection at 7:12 but that plane was delayed for 90 minutes. My second Northwest Airlines flight landed in Ft. Lauderdale at 1:00am. My suitcase didn't.

Have you ever had to put on underwear that you wore the day before? How about the same pair of socks? How about the same sweat stained shirt? This was my day on Monday before I boarded  the Cruise Ship, Enchantment.

Northwest said they would send my luggage to the ship the next day. The flight from Minneapolis would arrive at 3:00pm. The ship would leave the port at 5:00pm. The suitcase didn't make it.

I couldn't perform in the same ripped genes and shirt I'd been wearing for two days so I rented a tux on board. They had my size; the only thing they didn't have was dress socks. They handed me the tux at 7:00pm and the show began at 7:30pm.

"So, let me tell you..." I told the audience off 800. "Apparently, Northwest Airlines LOVED my suitcase. So much so...they kept it." I thanked staff for lending me a tux then I lifted my pant legs exposing the white gym socks. They got a  nice laugh. When you don't have dark socks with a tux it forces you to do a tribute to Jerry Lewis. He always wore white socks.

CHRISTMAS MORNING

We docked here in Key West at 7:00am. At quarter of 8:00 there was a rapping on my door.

"I'm in bed!" I shouted.

Then I heard a wonderful word..."Luggage."

Santa is alive and well.